Post by The Unknown on Jun 12, 2008 15:59:26 GMT -5
A one-act play a partner and I wrote some time ago. God, I hope this posts right.
Note that if I find this anywhere outside of this board - and believe me, I will find out - I have the right to report you. Okay, I sound snotty, but we worked really hard on this to get it right (and to please our awful drama teacher, who liked the racial and sexist plays more...still got a good grade). Actually, I wrote it. My partner provided half of the jokes and the...ah, I shouldn't say. You'll know. Yes, the ending sucks. Even my partner, who also was the editor (though I let a member in my family handle that), hated it. It's still in the works. I am hoping to get this published someday. Someday!
[Scene opens up at a campsite. It is night. Ted, with his laptop, and Jane sit around a campfire. Jane is poking at it with a stick. Ted dictates as he types and shows what he has typed.]
TED:
This is my first time camping.
JANE:
Yeah, it’s my first time too.
TED:
Have you set your tent yet?
JANE:
Yeah.
TED:
[Pauses, then types.] You know, my tent has internet connection. It’s Wi-Fi. Hard to believe it can find a connection here!
JANE:
Fascinating.
MERCEDES:
My feet are killing me! Whose idea was it for us to go camping? If I had a choice between a luxury cruise or camping, I would so choose the cruise.
JANE:
Camping is less expensive.
MERCEDES:
For poor, plain folk like you, Jane, it is. My daddy says that nothing in this world is expensive for me.
JANE:
Well, money doesn’t make our world go ‘round.
MERCEDES:
Do you know what does go around the world? A private jet. Speaking of which, why did we have to walk all the way out here? My feet feel, like, marshmallows over a fire! And look at my shoes! They’re totally ruined!
JANE:
The exercise is good for you, Mercedes.
MERCEDES:
You call that exercise? More like a marathon! We must be, like, 20 miles away from civilization!
TED:
I think her brain is galaxies away, but that is normal for her.
MERCEDES:
Anyway, what are we supposed to do now?
JANE:
We can cook some s’mores over our fire, sing songs-
MERCEDES:
[Interrupts Jane] I meant as in fun.
JANE:
Isn’t that what you do when you’re camping?
MERCEDES:
Are you joking?
JANE:
This is what campers do, it is the tradition.
MERCEDES:
You mean sit around on the dirt and scream “Lord Hallelujah” to the trees? Great, I’m just bursting with excitement.
MERCEDES:
What was that?
JANE:
It was probably a wild animal.
MERCEDES:
Like a squirrel?
JANE:
That doesn’t sound like a squirrel.
MERCEDES:
Maybe it’s a deer?
TED:
I doubt Mercedes has ever watched the Animal Planet.
[Another growl is heard off-stage.]
MERCEDES:
Okay, who is doing that? It’s beginning to freak me out!
JANE:
I second that!
TED:
Third.
[Danny leaps out wearing a mask, stage right. Mercedes, Jane and Ted scream.]
DANNY:
My, what big teeth you have! [Takes off mask] All the better to eat you with, my pretty!
MERCEDES:
Danny! That wasn’t funny!
DANNY:
Really? ‘Cause I thought it was hilarious!
MERCEDES:
Yeah, well, you’ve got some sick sense of humor!
DANNY:
All the better, I say!
JANE:
Have you set your tent up yet, Danny?
DANNY:
Of course. It’s up over there.
TED:
You mean the one with the cushions propped by a stick?
DANNY:
Yep, that’s the one. What better way to go camping then to have a comfy tent with a sky opening!
JANE:
What about you, Mercedes? How is your tent coming along?
MERCEDES:
Danny told me that there would be inflatable tents in the woods, but I haven’t found them yet.
TED:
You actually believe what Danny told you?
MERCEDES:
Well, of course! Danny is the only one here - besides me - with any common sense!
[Slight pause as Jane, Ted and Danny look out at the audience.]
MERCEDES:
You know, I’m kind of hungry right now. So what’s for dinner?
JANE:
Um…I didn’t bring any food.
[Ted just shrugs and continues typing.]
JANE:
I thought Danny was in charge of getting food.
DANNY:
Oh, was that what I was supposed to bring? I thought you said to bring a boot. [Danny disappears stage left.]
MERCEDES:
You mean we don’t have any food?!
JANE:
Actually, since we’re in the woods, we can find berries and edible mushrooms.
MERCEDES:
I’m not eating anything off the ground!
TED:
Well, we’re not going to find a Taco Bell next door.
MERCEDES:
Are you trying to be sarcastic, Ted -
DANNY:
[Interrupts Mercedes as he returns with two pine cones.] Or we can eat these pine cones. I found a whole bunch of them on the ground and in the trees. In fact, is it just me, or do all of these trees look the same?
[Slight pause as the group stare around the set.]
MERCEDES:
A tree is a tree, Danny.
DANNY:
If anyone besides me is bored, how about we tell scary stories?
JANE:
That’s a great idea!
[Ted nods as he types.]
MERCEDES:
What are we doing?
JANE:
What we do is we all gather around the fire and, one by one, we tell a scary story. You know, ghosts, creepy house, the guy with a hook for a hand-
MERCEDES:
[Interrupts Jane.] Okay, then I’ve got a pretty scary story.
[Group gathers around the campfire. Jane begins poking it with a stick again.]
MERCEDES:
Okay, so, like…a week ago, I went to get my hair done. And, like, I wanted a perm, but the hairdresser made my hair look like a sheep was sitting on my head. I had to spend hours with my straighten iron to fix it! It was the worst day ever.
DANNY:
[Imitating Mercedes.] Like, oh my god, I was totally scared. Someone, PLEASE tell a scary story!
TED:
I heard that the trees can make pine cone grenades, and they drop them on unsuspecting hikers!
[Others gasp.]
TED:
And then there is a club of chainsaw wielding maniacs in the woods!
[Others gasp.]
TED:
And once every…Tuesday, a vampire lawyer attacks and he sucks your veins AND your wallet dry!
[Others gasp.]
TED:
And there’s also a werewolf with a prosthetic leg!
[Others gasp, then pause slightly.]
OTHERS:
Wait a minute, werewolves don’t use prosthetic legs! You made that up!
[Ted makes a “you-caught-me” shrugs and continues typing.]
DANNY:
You know, I heard that bears enjoy the taste of Prada.
MERCEDES:
[Hides her feet.] Yeah, right. Bears aren’t in New Jersey.
DANNY:
I’ve seen one! It leapt at this lady and ate her shoes! Ripped them to shreds and swallowed them in one gulp!
[Mercedes stifles a gasp.]
DANNY:
And…her feet were still in them.
[Jane gasps while Ted types and dictates ‘gasp’.]
MERCEDES:
Those poor shoes…
DANNY:
Then it moved to her hand bag…and her arm!
[Others gasp.]
MERCEDES:
Stop! No more, I’ve had enough!
DANNY:
Okay, okay, I was just kidding.
TED:
You know, there have been reports of campers being mauled by bears.
MERCEDES:
You’ve got to be kidding.
TED:
[At this point is actually addressing his lines to the others.] No, really. I’ve seen the pictures.
[Others turn to stare at Ted, surprised.]
JANE:
Pictures?
[Ted turns his laptop towards the group, a picture of a savage bear on the screen.]
TED:
There are 16 cases per year in this area alone of dead campers - eaten alive by hungry bears! They come in the night, while the campers are sleeping, and tear them limb from limb! [Ted becomes very excited and starts shouting his lines and jumping during this scene.]
[Sound of a far-off car is heard. Sounds like a low animal sound]
MERCEDES:
Danny, knock it off! We’re not falling for that again.
DANNY:
That wasn’t me.
[Car is heard again.]
MERCEDES:
Stop it, Danny!
DANNY:
It wasn’t me!
MERCEDES:
Ted? Are you doing that on your computer?
[Ted shakes his head, typing very slowly.]
MERCEDES:
Then who-
[Is interrupted as a passing 18 wheeler, sounding like a loud roar, is heard ]
MERCEDES:
Oh my god!
[Group gathers closer around the fire.]
MERCEDES:
There’s no way that’s a bear! No way!
DANNY:
It sure isn’t a squirrel, Mercedes!
[Another “roar” is heard, reverberating through the scene.]
MERCEDES:
Oh my god, what are we going to do?!
JANE:
Wait! Bears eat Prada, right?! Mercedes, throw your shoes!
MERCEDES:
What?! No way! I love these shoes!
DANNY:
Just throw the shoes, Mercedes!!
[Mercedes takes off her shoes and throws them across the front of the stage.]
MERCEDES:
They were on sale! 25% off!
[Roar is heard again.]
MERCEDES:
Go away! [Goes to take Ted’s laptop from his hands.] Go away or I will throw this!
TED:
[Reaching to grab his laptop.] No! My computer! MY COMPUTER!
[Roar is heard louder. All fall silent and huddle closer.]
JANE:
We need to stay calm. If we’re very quiet and still, it will probably go away.
MERCEDES:
PROBABLY?!
[Roar is heard again. Slight pause.]
MERCEDES:
[On the verge of hysteria.] Okay, okay, I’ve got an idea.
DANNY:
Oh, that’s just super!
MERCEDES:
Shut it, Danny! What we’re going to do is stay together, near the fire, all night. Someone will stand watch and wake us up if any bear shows up. Then, when the sun comes up, we’ll pack all of our stuff and leave. Anyone agree?
[All nod.]
MERCEDES:
Okay, good, all right. So Danny, you take first watch and the rest of us will go to sleep. So. Goodnight.
[Wind is heard. Blackout. Another loud roar. Everyone screams and runs around the stage. Spotlight on Bob with flashlight, entering stage left.]
BOB:
What in the - What are you kids doing here?!
MERCEDES:
Oh, thank god! [Runs over to Bob.] Sir, please help us, there are bears out here with us!
BOB:
Bears? What are you talking about? There aren’t no bears here!
DANNY:
But, mister, they’re here at our campsite! Can’t you hear them?!
BOB:
Campsite? Where do you kids think you’re at, Disney World?! This is my Christmas tree lot!
GROUP:
What?
JANE:
B-B-But we heard bears!
BOB:
Those were my customers leaving - You thought those were - You kids scared the willies out of me!
DANNY:
So this is just a lot -
JANE:
[Finishes sentence.] - For Christmas trees?
[Ted hits his head with his laptop.]
MERCEDES:
So, there’s no bears?
BOB:
What? Of course there’s no bears, you city kids! Now get out of here, you are just a block off main street!
[Group move stage left. All lines are said in unison - Mercedes and Danny say their lines fast, Jane slowly, and Ted normally.]
MERCEDES:
This is all your fault, Danny! If you didn’t get us lost in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess! I am so embarrassed right now! Oh, and bears, that’s a good one! You owe me a new pair of shoes!
DANNY:
How is it my fault?! You’re the one who bought the map! I couldn’t read all of those tiny directions! Well, it’s your fault for believing everything I say! What?! I don’t owe you anything!
JANE:
Guys. Please, guys, just calm down. It’s nobody’s fault. Things happen. You know what, I should have never planned this in the first place. I’m going home.
TED:
[Back to typing and dictating.] Dear blog, I’ve had a very interesting day. What should have been a nice, quiet evening in the woods turned out to be a nightmarish, stress-filled joke. Everyone is arguing amongst themselves. Sometimes I think, blog, that you’re the only one who understands me.
[Group exits, stage left. Bob walks slowly toward stage left, muttering.
BOB:
The next generation is a shame, I say. All of them kids believing everything that they hear and doing something stupid. And that is the bare truth.
[Exit Bob.]
END
Note that if I find this anywhere outside of this board - and believe me, I will find out - I have the right to report you. Okay, I sound snotty, but we worked really hard on this to get it right (and to please our awful drama teacher, who liked the racial and sexist plays more...still got a good grade). Actually, I wrote it. My partner provided half of the jokes and the...ah, I shouldn't say. You'll know. Yes, the ending sucks. Even my partner, who also was the editor (though I let a member in my family handle that), hated it. It's still in the works. I am hoping to get this published someday. Someday!
[Scene opens up at a campsite. It is night. Ted, with his laptop, and Jane sit around a campfire. Jane is poking at it with a stick. Ted dictates as he types and shows what he has typed.]
TED:
This is my first time camping.
JANE:
Yeah, it’s my first time too.
TED:
Have you set your tent yet?
JANE:
Yeah.
TED:
[Pauses, then types.] You know, my tent has internet connection. It’s Wi-Fi. Hard to believe it can find a connection here!
JANE:
Fascinating.
MERCEDES:
My feet are killing me! Whose idea was it for us to go camping? If I had a choice between a luxury cruise or camping, I would so choose the cruise.
JANE:
Camping is less expensive.
MERCEDES:
For poor, plain folk like you, Jane, it is. My daddy says that nothing in this world is expensive for me.
JANE:
Well, money doesn’t make our world go ‘round.
MERCEDES:
Do you know what does go around the world? A private jet. Speaking of which, why did we have to walk all the way out here? My feet feel, like, marshmallows over a fire! And look at my shoes! They’re totally ruined!
JANE:
The exercise is good for you, Mercedes.
MERCEDES:
You call that exercise? More like a marathon! We must be, like, 20 miles away from civilization!
TED:
I think her brain is galaxies away, but that is normal for her.
MERCEDES:
Anyway, what are we supposed to do now?
JANE:
We can cook some s’mores over our fire, sing songs-
MERCEDES:
[Interrupts Jane] I meant as in fun.
JANE:
Isn’t that what you do when you’re camping?
MERCEDES:
Are you joking?
JANE:
This is what campers do, it is the tradition.
MERCEDES:
You mean sit around on the dirt and scream “Lord Hallelujah” to the trees? Great, I’m just bursting with excitement.
MERCEDES:
What was that?
JANE:
It was probably a wild animal.
MERCEDES:
Like a squirrel?
JANE:
That doesn’t sound like a squirrel.
MERCEDES:
Maybe it’s a deer?
TED:
I doubt Mercedes has ever watched the Animal Planet.
[Another growl is heard off-stage.]
MERCEDES:
Okay, who is doing that? It’s beginning to freak me out!
JANE:
I second that!
TED:
Third.
[Danny leaps out wearing a mask, stage right. Mercedes, Jane and Ted scream.]
DANNY:
My, what big teeth you have! [Takes off mask] All the better to eat you with, my pretty!
MERCEDES:
Danny! That wasn’t funny!
DANNY:
Really? ‘Cause I thought it was hilarious!
MERCEDES:
Yeah, well, you’ve got some sick sense of humor!
DANNY:
All the better, I say!
JANE:
Have you set your tent up yet, Danny?
DANNY:
Of course. It’s up over there.
TED:
You mean the one with the cushions propped by a stick?
DANNY:
Yep, that’s the one. What better way to go camping then to have a comfy tent with a sky opening!
JANE:
What about you, Mercedes? How is your tent coming along?
MERCEDES:
Danny told me that there would be inflatable tents in the woods, but I haven’t found them yet.
TED:
You actually believe what Danny told you?
MERCEDES:
Well, of course! Danny is the only one here - besides me - with any common sense!
[Slight pause as Jane, Ted and Danny look out at the audience.]
MERCEDES:
You know, I’m kind of hungry right now. So what’s for dinner?
JANE:
Um…I didn’t bring any food.
[Ted just shrugs and continues typing.]
JANE:
I thought Danny was in charge of getting food.
DANNY:
Oh, was that what I was supposed to bring? I thought you said to bring a boot. [Danny disappears stage left.]
MERCEDES:
You mean we don’t have any food?!
JANE:
Actually, since we’re in the woods, we can find berries and edible mushrooms.
MERCEDES:
I’m not eating anything off the ground!
TED:
Well, we’re not going to find a Taco Bell next door.
MERCEDES:
Are you trying to be sarcastic, Ted -
DANNY:
[Interrupts Mercedes as he returns with two pine cones.] Or we can eat these pine cones. I found a whole bunch of them on the ground and in the trees. In fact, is it just me, or do all of these trees look the same?
[Slight pause as the group stare around the set.]
MERCEDES:
A tree is a tree, Danny.
DANNY:
If anyone besides me is bored, how about we tell scary stories?
JANE:
That’s a great idea!
[Ted nods as he types.]
MERCEDES:
What are we doing?
JANE:
What we do is we all gather around the fire and, one by one, we tell a scary story. You know, ghosts, creepy house, the guy with a hook for a hand-
MERCEDES:
[Interrupts Jane.] Okay, then I’ve got a pretty scary story.
[Group gathers around the campfire. Jane begins poking it with a stick again.]
MERCEDES:
Okay, so, like…a week ago, I went to get my hair done. And, like, I wanted a perm, but the hairdresser made my hair look like a sheep was sitting on my head. I had to spend hours with my straighten iron to fix it! It was the worst day ever.
DANNY:
[Imitating Mercedes.] Like, oh my god, I was totally scared. Someone, PLEASE tell a scary story!
TED:
I heard that the trees can make pine cone grenades, and they drop them on unsuspecting hikers!
[Others gasp.]
TED:
And then there is a club of chainsaw wielding maniacs in the woods!
[Others gasp.]
TED:
And once every…Tuesday, a vampire lawyer attacks and he sucks your veins AND your wallet dry!
[Others gasp.]
TED:
And there’s also a werewolf with a prosthetic leg!
[Others gasp, then pause slightly.]
OTHERS:
Wait a minute, werewolves don’t use prosthetic legs! You made that up!
[Ted makes a “you-caught-me” shrugs and continues typing.]
DANNY:
You know, I heard that bears enjoy the taste of Prada.
MERCEDES:
[Hides her feet.] Yeah, right. Bears aren’t in New Jersey.
DANNY:
I’ve seen one! It leapt at this lady and ate her shoes! Ripped them to shreds and swallowed them in one gulp!
[Mercedes stifles a gasp.]
DANNY:
And…her feet were still in them.
[Jane gasps while Ted types and dictates ‘gasp’.]
MERCEDES:
Those poor shoes…
DANNY:
Then it moved to her hand bag…and her arm!
[Others gasp.]
MERCEDES:
Stop! No more, I’ve had enough!
DANNY:
Okay, okay, I was just kidding.
TED:
You know, there have been reports of campers being mauled by bears.
MERCEDES:
You’ve got to be kidding.
TED:
[At this point is actually addressing his lines to the others.] No, really. I’ve seen the pictures.
[Others turn to stare at Ted, surprised.]
JANE:
Pictures?
[Ted turns his laptop towards the group, a picture of a savage bear on the screen.]
TED:
There are 16 cases per year in this area alone of dead campers - eaten alive by hungry bears! They come in the night, while the campers are sleeping, and tear them limb from limb! [Ted becomes very excited and starts shouting his lines and jumping during this scene.]
[Sound of a far-off car is heard. Sounds like a low animal sound]
MERCEDES:
Danny, knock it off! We’re not falling for that again.
DANNY:
That wasn’t me.
[Car is heard again.]
MERCEDES:
Stop it, Danny!
DANNY:
It wasn’t me!
MERCEDES:
Ted? Are you doing that on your computer?
[Ted shakes his head, typing very slowly.]
MERCEDES:
Then who-
[Is interrupted as a passing 18 wheeler, sounding like a loud roar, is heard ]
MERCEDES:
Oh my god!
[Group gathers closer around the fire.]
MERCEDES:
There’s no way that’s a bear! No way!
DANNY:
It sure isn’t a squirrel, Mercedes!
[Another “roar” is heard, reverberating through the scene.]
MERCEDES:
Oh my god, what are we going to do?!
JANE:
Wait! Bears eat Prada, right?! Mercedes, throw your shoes!
MERCEDES:
What?! No way! I love these shoes!
DANNY:
Just throw the shoes, Mercedes!!
[Mercedes takes off her shoes and throws them across the front of the stage.]
MERCEDES:
They were on sale! 25% off!
[Roar is heard again.]
MERCEDES:
Go away! [Goes to take Ted’s laptop from his hands.] Go away or I will throw this!
TED:
[Reaching to grab his laptop.] No! My computer! MY COMPUTER!
[Roar is heard louder. All fall silent and huddle closer.]
JANE:
We need to stay calm. If we’re very quiet and still, it will probably go away.
MERCEDES:
PROBABLY?!
[Roar is heard again. Slight pause.]
MERCEDES:
[On the verge of hysteria.] Okay, okay, I’ve got an idea.
DANNY:
Oh, that’s just super!
MERCEDES:
Shut it, Danny! What we’re going to do is stay together, near the fire, all night. Someone will stand watch and wake us up if any bear shows up. Then, when the sun comes up, we’ll pack all of our stuff and leave. Anyone agree?
[All nod.]
MERCEDES:
Okay, good, all right. So Danny, you take first watch and the rest of us will go to sleep. So. Goodnight.
[Wind is heard. Blackout. Another loud roar. Everyone screams and runs around the stage. Spotlight on Bob with flashlight, entering stage left.]
BOB:
What in the - What are you kids doing here?!
MERCEDES:
Oh, thank god! [Runs over to Bob.] Sir, please help us, there are bears out here with us!
BOB:
Bears? What are you talking about? There aren’t no bears here!
DANNY:
But, mister, they’re here at our campsite! Can’t you hear them?!
BOB:
Campsite? Where do you kids think you’re at, Disney World?! This is my Christmas tree lot!
GROUP:
What?
JANE:
B-B-But we heard bears!
BOB:
Those were my customers leaving - You thought those were - You kids scared the willies out of me!
DANNY:
So this is just a lot -
JANE:
[Finishes sentence.] - For Christmas trees?
[Ted hits his head with his laptop.]
MERCEDES:
So, there’s no bears?
BOB:
What? Of course there’s no bears, you city kids! Now get out of here, you are just a block off main street!
[Group move stage left. All lines are said in unison - Mercedes and Danny say their lines fast, Jane slowly, and Ted normally.]
MERCEDES:
This is all your fault, Danny! If you didn’t get us lost in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess! I am so embarrassed right now! Oh, and bears, that’s a good one! You owe me a new pair of shoes!
DANNY:
How is it my fault?! You’re the one who bought the map! I couldn’t read all of those tiny directions! Well, it’s your fault for believing everything I say! What?! I don’t owe you anything!
JANE:
Guys. Please, guys, just calm down. It’s nobody’s fault. Things happen. You know what, I should have never planned this in the first place. I’m going home.
TED:
[Back to typing and dictating.] Dear blog, I’ve had a very interesting day. What should have been a nice, quiet evening in the woods turned out to be a nightmarish, stress-filled joke. Everyone is arguing amongst themselves. Sometimes I think, blog, that you’re the only one who understands me.
[Group exits, stage left. Bob walks slowly toward stage left, muttering.
BOB:
The next generation is a shame, I say. All of them kids believing everything that they hear and doing something stupid. And that is the bare truth.
[Exit Bob.]
END
