A female Russian weasel?

[theamericanmarten]

Very nice story so far, Fisi.

[Fisi]

Thanks, but sometimes I feel it just doesn't.

[Fisi]

But I'm glad that you like it.

[Cooper]

Sept 18, 2010 9:40:06 GMT -5 Fisi said:

In Russia, her father and mother were part of the Night Shadows. Zudi has a brother name Apollo, who she always looked up to. Her father wanted Apollo to take the leadership once he is dead. But it never happened. When winter came, her brother became terribly sick. There was nothing to do to help him, so he's dead. The Night Shadows got weak after their last encounter with their enemies, BloodCollars. The only solution was to move to America. Zudi missed her brother so much, she changed her personaility like his. Living the life he never had.

What were the Night Shadows, why is it called the Night Shadows (kinda cliche, really), and why were her parents joined in it? There's got to be reasons, a past, present, and a future. Not just a blatant group thrown into the mix. If the cake mix taste good, don't ruin it by adding something you think might make it better.

I don't understand why her brother was named Apollo, since that is a Greek name, while she's named a Russian name. Seems a bit off-culture.

Why did she look up to Apollo? What made him so important? Why did his father wants to make him leader? Again, back it up with reasons instead of just throwing the idea out there.

The chain of events isn't that bad, the death of her brother and everything, but it really could be better. It's not that it doesn't make sense, it's just that how that fits into the whole plotline really doesn't seem right.

It's like her brother, as a character in the story, was really useless in the whole scheme of things except to add angst.

Why is there so many groups in Russia? Are they crime groups? And why are their names so cliche?

The gangs fighting doesn't seem to prove enough of a reason. Unless her father was really big in the gang, and there was some sort of hit on him, the gangs just fighting doesn't seem to prove much of a good reason to cross the seas when Europe is right next to them. All they had to do was change their names, move to some country in Europe, and their lives would be all the better. :/ So that really needs more reasons than just violence.

Now the last part seemed really unnecessary. How close, exactly, was she to her brother to do that, and why? Did she really have to change her personality?


The introduction leaves much to be desired, and your story still does need some work.

[Fisi]

Thanks for the advice Cooper.

I'll see if I can find some reasons and a better name for her brother.

[The Forgoten One]

cool